The ancient way of purifying gold was a trying process.  In Biblical times, a goldsmith would boil gold over a fiery furnace (fiery as in 2000 degrees Fahrenheit) for many days as a way of purifying it.  As the gold sat over the refining fire, impurities would rise to the surface so they could be separated from the precious metal.  Once pollutants had been stripped from the liquid, the gold could be forged into its final product.

The parallels in this to our human experience are self-evident.  Flames in our own lives make us uncomfortable – bringing our own impurities to the surface.  Things like stress, sickness, or financial insecurity often bring out the worst in us in a way that a thoughtful gift or an extended vacation just doesn’t.  The hope is that in the process, the flames reveal our own impurities and we’re able to grow into better people – all part of the sanctification journey.

I first heard this analogy during a discipleship program the summer before I left for college.  I ate it up.  It has taught me in times of stress to take note of my frustrations and diagnose themes so I can work on remedying my own imperfections. It prompts me to reflect on things that make me tick (“Why do I really feel frustrated?  What about her comment actually upset me?”) and gives purpose to the frustrating (“at least this is sanctifying!”).  Each frustration is really an opportunity for self-improvement.  And I love self-improvement.

Self-centeredness?  Find a way to serve others.

Anxiety?  Spend time in prayer

Pride?  Suggestions welcome – still have a ways to go on some things. 😊

But I have come to see that while I believe this analogy carries both truth and weight, like most parallels, it has its limitations.

Because the idea of the refiner’s fire has led me to the very incorrect conclusion that every time I feel bothered by something, it means there must be something wrong with me.  Yet, sometimes when we feel bothered it’s not an impurity mounting – but a reaction to something that is objectively wrong.

Two categories come to mind here. 

First, the righteous anger we think of in the face of gross injustice.  Bonded labor, rape, murder of innocent children.  God hates these evils and has made it clear in scripture.  This one is more obvious, so I won’t spend time here.

But there is also deserved frustration in the smaller, nearer pieces of our lives.  The things we believe are “minor” yet feel so major. 

Praise withheld.  Careless words.  A clear disinterest in that which is important to us by loved ones. 

I used to believe my irritations stemming from these things indicated a shortcoming of my own. 

I think too much of the praise of men.  I’m focusing too much on the world and not enough on eternity.  I must not have my identity securely with Christ, otherwise this wouldn’t bother me. 

I have been quick to write off my feelings of hurt as pettiness.  But in reality – those reactions are indications that my heart is soft – that it is vulnerable – that I care.

Victory in relationships doesn’t mean being so rooted in God that we’re never hurt or disappointed by the broken humans around us.  We will be let down.  We will be disappointed.  The heart is a muscle and has reflexes.  Just like a feather on your foot will curl your toes, an expectation of love unmet will catch us off guard.  As long as we care, it will hurt.

In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis writes

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

But this leaves us in quite a predicament doesn’t it?  Is then our victory just to be accept being hurt or taken for granted?  To allow people to walk all over us?  If we want to be loving, like Christ has commanded, must we accept the accompanying pain that comes with such vulnerability without question?

No, of course not.

Victory in relationships doesn’t mean to blindly accept how others treat us and yield to their sometimes unloving ways.  It involves being honest with ourselves about the circumstances at play, being thoughtful enough to know when to speak and when to listen, and being kind so that when words do spill out of our mouths, they honor God. 

A few things to keep in mind:

• Be self-aware:
  • Ensure your own heart is open and teachable through prayer, scripture, and by inviting others to speak into your life.
    • Ask for God to search your heart and reveal things to you – as the Psalmist writes in Psalm 139, “Search me, O God, and know my heart!  Try me and know my thoughts!”
    • Ask for grace, wisdom, and discernment to ensure you do not have a log in your own eye.  Matthew 7 says “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5)

• Should I say something? 
  • Ask yourself what is truly most loving to the other person.  Do you want to say something to get it off your chest, to feel better? Was the err a one-off that upset you, as opposed to a consistent pattern of behavior (probably best to hold your tongue)? Or do you want to say something to truly benefit the other person and further the Kingdom?
  • Asking others (who are not involved!  Avoid gossip!) for wisdom is a great tool 
  • How should I say it?  Phrase feedback in relation to how words or actions have affected you, as opposed to qualities of that person (“It makes me feel like I’m not important to you when you are late” vs. “You are inconsiderate because you are always late”)
    • Write out what you would want to say, then review it another time when you are less heated so you can distill the message into a kinder set of words is helpful.  It gives you room to synthesize irritations so if you do say something, it can be concise and tactful rather than a less clear ramble – which can lead to anger and confusion on the other side
    • Don’t be defensive – in the words of a wise counselor, in the world of conflict in relationships – “If one of you is winning, then you’re both losing”
  • When should I say it?  The day your friend’s car broke down, she is sick with the flu, or her boyfriend just broke up with her is probably not the right time to bring up a grievance.  Be sensitive that the words will not be easy to hear, so be kind and gracious with when you choose to speak.
    • Proverbs 25:11 says ‘A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver’  While we can’t expect every piece of feedback to be welcomed with open arms, being cognizant of another’s emotional state is part of our responsibility to ensure the words are truly fitting.

• Ah, I still don’t know what to do!
  • A few truths to cling to:
    • Honesty is better than dishonesty.  Kindness is better than heated words.
    • Boundaries are important and healthy: There are things you are  responsible for (yourself, your words, opening your heart and working on things like bitterness or comparison) and things you are not responsible for (someone else’s actions or expectations, how they react to a thoughtful and honest word).  If your kindly spoken, honest words end a relationship, it may have not been a real relationship in the first place.  On the other hand, if you’re constantly sharing shortcomings with others and find yourself with no friends, maybe it’s time for a counselor and a different approach. And guess what? There is no shame in that! We are all in process!
    • God is our Father and loves us – we can always go to Him with our hurts.  He cares.  He wants to listen to us.

Like any great skill (yes – being in healthy relationship is a skill!  One we must learn!), it requires practice. 

We may not get it right on our first try – it may take 10,000 awkward moments and pauses, not knowing what to say, confusion on whether to speak, before we really get the hang of it.  But more important than always getting it right, is ensuring your heart is right with God.  Our true victory is in close communion with the Father above us, not perfect communication with the people around us.