The Anger Toolbox

Anger was not an emotion I had much of before 2020.  Or at least, I don’t think I had much of it.  Anger is known as a secondary emotion–there is typically another emotion, such as fear or sadness, lurking under the surface actually causing the anger.  Often, anger tends to be the tip of the “you-hurt-me” or “I’m scared” iceberg.  

As any well-studied student of the Bible will know, anger is not a sin.

God gets angry.  While Jesus was on Earth, he got angry.  Scripture doesn’t tell us “don’t be angry”. It says “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26, ESV, emphasis mine).  

Of course, like most rules, there are nuances.  Though we are allowed to be angry–we should not get angry about just anything.  Christ’s anger in the temple is a holy, righteous anger, as God’s people are abusing the temple for their greedy purposes rather using it for God’s holy purposes.  And further, the fact that Jesus gets angry so rarely during his time on Earth implies that, while anger itself is an acceptable emotion, it is not one we should be living in.  We also see this in the fact that God is referred to as slow to anger throughout the scriptures.

Fine.  All these things are true.  So what?  

Because, scripture, at least to my eyes, is less straightforward about how to handle anger, particularly when the anger is about ourselves, our preferences, our inconveniences (in other words, unrighteous anger), rather than anger on behalf of the orphaned, the poor, the oppressed (which is more likely to be godly anger).  

How do we handle anger when we’ve been wronged, but in the grand scheme of eternity, it isn’t that big of a deal?  I am not referring to instances of physical abuse, verbal abuse, or exploitation of some form.  I’m referring to things like irritation that a clerk was unnecessarily rude, that an act of kindness we did goes unrecognized, or frustration when someone has let us down-however inconsiderate.

Yes, of course we should be humble and forgive others.  

But…how?  

During my own struggle with anger, I realized that I didn’t have any tools for dealing with anger.  While in some senses my anger was understandable, that didn’t mean I should hold onto it.  Yet, I didn’t know what to “do” with my fired-up emotions other than stew in my feelings once they had been ignited.  

Enter: the Anger Toolbox.  

The Anger Toolbox is just that: a set of “tools” or mental exercises I compiled to help me deal with anger when I got into a rut.  It is meant to equip a reader who is struggling with anger (particularly anger with another individual) face their anger and work through it rather than simply settle for “just forgive them” or “don’t think about it”.

It is not rocket science, but is the outcome of research, prayer, communal input and refinement.  Though it does not prevent me from getting angry.  It does help me not to sin in my anger.  I hope it helps you too!

This toolbox (below) is a progression-begin at the top and work to the bottom, though, each “stage” is also useful on its own.  

Remember who God is and what He has done for me

• Remember Christ forsook all of his rights to die on the cross for me; He knows how I feel and can completely empathize.
  • For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

• Know that God sees what I experience and it isn’t lost on Him that others have blind spots that impact me / are hurtful.
  • You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.  Are they not in your book? (Psalm 56:8)

Acknowledge the reality

• Accept where others are as reality and acknowledge/accept the relationship will have its limits and may just be difficult – just as certain hiking paths/terrain is difficult.  Just as certain hikes are physical exercise, this might be spiritual exercise.  The call “bear with one another” (Colossians 3:12-13 and Ephesians 4:1-2) implies there will be difficulty in relationships
  • Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:12-13)
  • *Note that the term, ‘bearing with’ comes from the Greek work “anecho” – translated as endure or suffer.  Strong’s exhaustive Bible concordance defines this as ‘put up with’ and in the gospels, Jesus uses this same word when he asks rhetorically ‘O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you?  How long am I to bear with you?’ after he finds his disciples squabbling with scribes and unable to cast a demon out of a young boy (Mark 9:19).  Anecho not only portrays endurance – it indicates a repetitive, emotional toll that wearies us.

Self management

• Remember that I need a lot of grace from others and God; I have plenty of my own blind spots and ongoing struggles and am desperately in need of His grace.

• Be willing to put up boundaries.  Be aware of what I can / can’t handle to avoid getting too angry in the first place.  Pressure test boundary ideas with wise counsel to gauge how others handle / what normal boundaries might be.

• Within reason, avoid having expectations that I will be treated as I expect / desire to be treated.  Remember Christ forsook all His rights – so can I.  Be humble.

• When I am triggered / angry, repent and find something else to mentally cling to so I don’t feed anger/sow bitterness, which gives the enemy a foothold
  • “Don’t give the enemy a seat at my table”
  • Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:25-27)

Love the other 

• Remember that the other person is a person who hurts.  They have their own wounds – even if they don’t share those with you.

• Remember they are created in the image of God, just like me… try seeing them in the way Christ saw the tax collectors or outcasts – even though society rejected them, they had inherent value because they were humans created in God’s image.  Even though I may want to reject this person, it honors God to honor their place in His creation.
• Focus on any qualities in the other person that are positive

Remember your common enemy

• Remember that our enemy wants Christians (& humans in general) to be divided, fighting one another.  He will happily feed us lies that puff up our pride, feed our selfishness, justify our own agenda at the expense of healthy relationships.  

• Ask yourself: Who is more pleased by my anger right now–Satan or God?  
  • If it’s Satan, repent and ask God for eyes to see how he sees things and an eternal perspective, a reminder that this might not matter in a few months, let alone in eternity.