Week 4: Redefining Victory in Relationships

Our God is a communal God.

He has always been in community, through the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit.  He created community in the Garden of Eden, giving Adam a helper and saying ‘it is not good that the man should be alone’.  He lived in community when he came to earth as a man, surrounding himself with the 12 disciples.  And He wants us to live in community, evidenced endlessly in scripture.  Many of the Ten Commandments address interpersonal relationships, countless verses speak to how to treat others, and when Christ sent His disciples to call on neighboring towns to repent, he sent them out in pairs, not alone.

Yet, just because community is such a core part of our lives and faith doesn’t mean it will be easy.  While community may often bring us joy, a sense of belonging, accountability, and other benefits, it can often leave us feeling excluded, judged, forgotten, or attacked, among other things.  

And in these instances, when we feel hurt by community, it can be easy to lose sight of what God’s desires for us and community are.  This week we will look at what God wants for community and how to ensure we are achieving victory in our community – in both the highs and the lows.

Before diving into the scripture, take a moment to consider how you think of “victory” in relationships.

Some common answers may include:

• Being accepted, liked, or included
• Loving others as yourself
• Building honest, authentic relationships where you can be yourself
• Embodying ideas like the fruits of the spirit in your relationships (kindness, gentleness, patience, etc.)
• Being part of an honest, Christ-centered community that serves together, loves one another, and pushes one another to be more like Christ

Scripture to consider

Matthew 22: 34 – 40

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Ephesians 4:1-2

1 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love

Colossians 3:12-13

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Romans 12:10

10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Philippians 2:3

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Galatians 6:1-2

1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Romans 12:2

2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect

So, how should we define victory in relationships?

The quintessential concept outlining God’s wishes for our community (as seen in Matthew 22:39), is to love our neighbors as ourselves.  This can of course mean different things for different people depending on the specific set of circumstances.

Loving your brethren as yourself may mean:

• Serving someone with your time, energy, or gifts
• Being financially generous
• Encouraging someone with your words
• Praying over someone in need
• Praying for a softer heart towards someone who irritates you
• Lovingly and kindly disagreeing with another’s perspective

We also know from personal experience, loving our neighbor as ourselves is rarely easy.  Not only is the task at hand a hefty one (as loving our neighbor often goes against what our flesh wants), but we also often struggle to know what exactly to do that will love our neighbor. 

• When to pray over someone and when to provide financial and/or physical assistance?
• When to confront and when to give grace? 
• How to kindly and respectfully disagree?
• How generous to be?

To these questions and many others, there is often more than one right answer, but in all of them, it is helpful to remember our true victory is not found in getting the right answer, but seeking to have our hearts right with God. 

Because yes, God desires human relational flourishing for us – He wants churches that serve, cities with rich community, and families that love one another and their neighbors well.  Because relationships are such an integral part of any human experience, there are many things God desires for our relationships. 

But our victory is not found in achieving the perfect community or even in perfecting our own ability to always love our neighbors as ourselves.  These are entirely unrealistic goals and while we should work towards them, we must acknowledge they are not our victory. 

And as a side note, even if we could be the perfect member of a community (which we could never be!), because we live in a broken world with imperfect humans, community will still let us down.

Our primary victory in relationships is not in having the right set of relationships, or in being the perfect representation of Christ (though we should work towards those things!), but in continually surrendering our relationships to God and drawing close to Him, that He may guide us in our relationships every day.

Rich community is a wonderful gift from God, something we should absolutely strive for (and many of the verses in this week’s scripture help articulate how God wants community to look), but first and foremost, we must seek to have our hearts right with God as we approach our communities.  And when we have our hearts earnestly and humbly focused on glorifying our Father above us, we will naturally be more loving, discerning, and Christ-like in the relationships around us.

Reflection questions

1. To you, what to are the easy parts of community?  What are the difficult parts?

2. We often struggle with feeling hurt in relationships (whether romantic or platonic) and it can be tempting to shut ourselves out from the world or others in response.  To this point,  in “The Four Loves”, C.S. Lewis writes: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
   • How does this inform your ideas about what victory in community may or may not look like? 

3. There will likely always be times when we face difficulty (e.g., feel hurt, excluded, disappointed) in community. What are practical ways we can cling to God in those times?

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash